herlucidlife

I’m in too deep. I don’t like how I feel every time I leave your presence. It’s like heartbreak all over again. It’s like air is constricted when you’re not around. In my feelings till I get around you like a weight being lifted off the shoulders, like air refilling the lungs. I love this game we play together, knowing I’m down for whatever you need I’d move for you, stop breathing for you, make love just for you. Sometimes I wonder though, would you stay for me? Would you be down for anything for me? Would you be still just for me? My gut says the answer would be no, meaning there’s a one sidedness to this love we have. I want this for a lifetime, yet the circumstances are looking like it’s only for a moment. 

Too scared to make the commitment real, up in the air your zip code may be changing in a matter of weeks…meaning the heartbreak would be real instead just in between times. Proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished I’d never stand in your way. Rooting for you harder than I would myself…my dream is not to be rich, well fixed, or even travel the world, my dream is to share air with you every single day. Sometimes I think I’m crazy, wanting someone that still has girls calling his phone, while I’d not dare even think to look at someone for too long. There’s no one else but you, while you have options…one sided. Why are they still calling if you love me? Or is that something you wouldn’t be down for?

 Am I really wanted? I don’t believe in promises anymore. I don’t trust things that seem too good to be true. I’m not convinced that we’ll road trip together, or that we’ll book that sweet cabin down the way, my breath is not being held for anything. Honestly growing weary I’d rather have you with hardship than to never try at all. Sharing our deepest feelings to each other, I love every moment of it. Considering patience rather than abrasion, I keep thinking but what does this mean? Still in fantasy land, my emotions are so real I feel them digging a knife into my chest. Do you feel the same way or is this just unexpected fun for the moment? I don’t believe it, so why are there so many loose ends?  Finding and securing love that lasts the test of time has always been my priority, I’m just not sure it’s yours. Loving me in ways that are easy, would you consider loving me in ways that are difficult?

The love was good, physically relaxed but I’d be lying if I didn’t share that my feelings were hurt when a girl that looks nothing like me, shaped nothing like me was on your phone screen scrolling socials with young ladies visibly naked. Am I not enough that you need to look at more? Am I not good enough that you feel the need to like someone I could never be? But hey! You aren’t my boyfriend so I guess you can do whatever you want even though you said you love me. Things I couldn’t bring myself to share because I’d just feel stupid in the end, guys have a good way of minimizing my hurt feelings to fit what they want and not what I need. For if each is focused on the other then the “us” will always be intact. 

Or maybe there is no us and that’s why I feel so sad. Something here is a fantasy, I don’t like daydreams that can’t be turned into real life. Either way I’ll always miss you, care and love you. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean the door will always be open for you to come back because if it’s closed I doubt I’ll ever want to revisit the scene. 

It’s more, we know it, so why isn’t it official? Tell me the truth so I can be still.