herlucidlife

The moment I woke up she and you were on my mind. Guilty because I wasn’t just crying over missing my mother yet also over missing you. Soon you won’t be so close and the distance will be felt but I’ll be okay. Grieving your departure has already begun, the love I thought was long lived turned out to be short. Thankfully, I enjoyed the time we spent together. Every promising relationship that has ended added another layer of grief to my plate. Some of my grief has been self served, defiant to the voice of God. Is grief allowed to be the sole reason for my mental unwiring? 

Ticking down the time to your unfortunate departure from my immediate grasp. No longer residing in the same city, learning how things were really going to pan out. No promise of a future, having fun until the time is gone. Anger is far from my mind, sadness is on my face. Never promising anything yet your line of questioning made me think you wanted more. Cooking ideas up in the head, suggestions are strong when rose colored glasses and angels whisper the words. 

It weighs heavy on my heart, on my mind. Terribly missed, formed into my routine so naturally, a welcomed companion anytime day or night. Good to me, perhaps not good for me that didn’t stop the heart from falling. I’ve not allowed myself to get head over heels in a long time, it felt good until it didn’t. Sometimes wanting the same end goal doesn’t matter if the details don’t align. Details make up the daily routine and lifestyle we identify with. You don’t want to be with me exclusively and that hurts. Distance creating a barrier you may feel is not worth breaking down. I’d try anything for you. 

Severely distracted, allowing myself to be swooned, should’ve been on guard. Love is the most human emotion that is yearned for yet some manipulate it for a weapon of destruction. I played a part too, it’s not stupid to fall in love yet somehow I feel very naive and childish. I want to blame you but then I don’t. I want to hate you but I love you instead. I want to erase you from my life but instead I’ve been trying to hold you close until I can’t. What you want and need right now isn’t healthy for me. 

Either way God is moving you out of the way, I can’t stop Him. Anyway it’s for the best, just let me wallow a little longer…yesterday was hard.