herlucidlife

This time next year I will be different. No longer holding onto the past, not letting things linger and fester. I would have become a complete embodiment of who God wants me to be. Not perfection but progression is what I’m chasing. 

I don’t want to be here next year this time. I need to have left you in the distant past, or hell at least not to think about you so often. My life is on an upward spiral and I’d rather thrive than simply survive. Disturbed, I have a hard time believing that people like me, love me. Sometimes I sit and think, “mm it’s weird that I have friends, it’s weird that beautiful people want to be around me, I’m so undeserving of their energy.” Hopefully I’m not the only one that thinks this way, if so well then I’m a unicorn.

The first paragraph of this blog was written on some random day in October twenty twenty-one. Never felt like I had  a good handle on what I wanted for myself to continue the post. Distracted with you, doing everything I said I was done with, with you. Never asking anything of me for some reason I offer up my services like they’re found in the Yellow Pages. Bringing something different to my life but still that void is left open. Acting carnally for this week while you visited, my soul began to feel more and more tired of the charade. I want out and all I could think is…when will I set myself free? 

A lot of the emotional and physical holds that are pressing down on my chest could be alleviated with one word and action. Stop and turn away to never commit again, it’s pretty simple but hard to do. Bound to you emotionally, nothing holding me here but you as a person. Keep thinking what if I take everything else off the table and leave one thing but really once lines have been crossed you can’t go back. Filling my sexual needs to the T, there’s not much left once that is taken off the menu. The conversation would become watered down without the anticipation of a reward after…physical pleasure sealed with a puff of smoke. 

Doing for you what I would do for my friends and then some, you really are more than a guy I fell in love with, then out of love with once he said he wanted nothing serious. You got quiet after I said, “you’re not my boyfriend, so it doesn’t matter what you do.” What you’ve done has always mattered to me but lack of a future choked any future love out. Stunted I stopped my heart from wanting you more and then worked overtime to dissolve the love that still exists. 

I want and need permanence. I know Who to get it from and I know that His love will fill the void in my heart and cause an overflow in my spirit. Walking with God is hard but so is taking all the shortcuts just to end up at the beginning with unnecessary bruising. Creating more grief for myself things I could’ve said no to but didn’t have now caused sores undoing some healing. Ripping off scabs things, healing incorrectly… put on fresh bandages, perhaps healing includes undoing things. I see the help now it’s time to accept with open arms.