herlucidlife

I didn’t want to talk to anyone because deep down I’m hoping the addictive mind takes over, I fall in again and promise next time I’ll do better. Haven’t posted anything in over a week, mentally drained, no energy to form the words. First day in almost two months with nothing in my system. I could’ve pulled my hair out and lit myself on fire and it still would not have taken away the desire to use. Reading my Bible two times today, spending most of the day in meeting rooms. After all the crying the desire is still here. I’m too impatient. Addiction was born and has been living well in my house for almost eight years. It’s literally stupid of me to think I’d be free of this disease in days, weeks or months. 

Reading through the Bible it took years for God to restore  people and nations, not because He needed the time but because we as people do. Recovery means to heal my relationship with God. Recovery means healing the relationship I have with myself. The drug is not the problem, it’s the whacked out thinking that leads me to the substance and it’s that same thinking that will keep me bound. God is recovering a human being that likes to run away and hide, so naturally the transformation is up in the air, only by His willing.

It felt good to be honest with my family about the depth of my struggles, though not all my family is aware…another day’s labor. Mentally I think I may be sick, sometimes thinking do I need medication? I can’t heal if I keep using the knife every single day multiple times a day. The more people know about my addiction, the more I want to do better. I’ve already disappointed myself, yet my fear is that if I let them down the way I do myself, could I lose their support? Could I somehow push them away because I’m not getting the hint? An extra layer of stress added onto an already tired mind.

The day has been taxing enough. Knowing I needed to call a supporter in my circle, the sad thing is even after talking to that person I’m still going to desire weed..so why am I talking if nothing is relieved?Addictive mind talking, trying to keep me in the vicious cycle. Created a nest egg for myself in recovery but active addiction made sure to erase everything I’d built. Starting over at step one, a pity party won’t help…but I keep buying the weed to keep the sadness going. I’ve already cried and wailed to God for the anger I carry towards Him. Confessing my emotions to Him, for the first time I could feel the rage in my body shaking…I cursed loudly. 

But He didn’t move. Father is still here sitting with me, feeling everything I carry. Hurting because His daughter is unwell. Sadly, after all the effort to keep my fingers from texting the plug. After the emotional battle…all I want to do is light a joint and go to sleep. Too bad I’m not like everyone else.