herlucidlife

I always wanted to think of recovery as separate from my life, as if somehow drugs hadn’t altered every part of my being. Recovery has to be the main priority because it is the very thing that is going to unlock my mind. God is recovery. He’s given me safe people in my family and church family. I am not a safe haven for myself…not anymore and not yet anyway. Friends are not a safe haven for me because they all do at least one or both of my drugs of choice. My heart aches because these are friends I’ve had for over ten years and now I may have to let them go because I’m an addict. 

I need people in my life that either don’t use or have committed themselves to living a clean lifestyle. Needing to have hard conversations with those in my friend circle, some branches will be cut, others will move to arms length, but all will have to shift in order to accommodate my addiction and recovery. Praying over how God wants me to approach this, I am still learning how to approach myself. It’s hard to tell someone “I need you to not do…” when I create stumbling blocks for myself without their help. Triggers. My friends are triggering because I know they will either have the drug I want, have used the drug I want, or know where to get the drug I want. Social usage is normal.

To be one step closer to the drug is one step closer to relapse. I need hard fixed boundaries, things I can’t even undo. I’m not strong enough to be around people that use. Removing all the distraction to simply focus on what needs to be poured into at the present moment. I’m completely and utterly dry, like ain’t no vapors over here, just a couple fumes that’s running low. Addiction and recovery have become so cumbersome, it’s hard to focus on my job. I work at the church I attend as a Software Administrator. Working remotely for a short while has allowed for my mind to become full. Some days personal wellbeing is so overwhelming that doing my job is almost an afterthought. 

Doing just enough to call it work. Simply powering through. Looking forward to the space old things will provide once moved out the way. I need to think of substance the same way. Removing anything or person that does not fit into the purpose for my life. I’ve learned that “good to me” is not the same as “good for me.” Quite a few things in my life are good to me while causing so much ugliness for the internal me. Thank God a good portion of my life is good for me, though at the moment it may not feel like it because I’ve become so accustomed to the latter. 

Good for me will always be better than good to me. Lord grant me the wisdom and discernment to know the difference that I may remove those that do not mean well. Purge my life through the view of Your heart and eyes.