herlucidlife

Been writing for over a year sharing emotions so heavy and deep. Reading my words, I can see some things I’ve said before. Some things I’ve cried over before. Oftentimes I’ve written something and just days later not agreed with the thought. We can no longer smoke or drink together, meaning when we catch up over dinner can you help me and not get an alcoholic beverage? Any little thing triggers me at the beginning, even receiving a snap of two shots on my behalf is triggering. Benefit of the doubt is needed, I tend to jump to letting people go because I get fearful that they won’t support me though that has never been the case. The mind is a scary place, I’ve never had to really rely on my inner circle outside of college friends. 

I always just had mom but then she died. I had to continue my own personal relationship with my family. I was scared to trust them fully. They’ve not yet let me down. Neither have my friends, so I should trust they will come through for me as well.Thinking if going somewhere out of my comfort zone will help abstain? I found the end of my will power fighting addiction. The end of myself had hit me in the face more times than I could count. Spiraling out of control for months. An eager willing participant in my life helped me keep the fire burning. Relapse. 

There’s nothing for me in active addiction. No healing in the smoke. No love in the hands of other users. God clearly showed me that friends needed to be distanced, my lover needed to be let go. I’ve come to the conclusion that if the people in my life do not support my recovery by simply living life free of drugs then they have to leave my life. Friends I’ve known since I was seventeen have been blocked and unfollowed. The day I sent you my goodbye was the hardest day. No strength to have conversations, barely had enough willpower to breath through the day. Fear clenches at having hard conversations, she is also clenching to recovery. I apologize if you don’t hear from me, I’m no longer being intentional with our friendship, stepping back from people…I still feel this gnawing that I hurt them. Walking around with bricks in my shoes, looking for my substance to take the pain away. 

I was angry because God was blocking the door to marijuana. My dealer was acting iffy like she didn’t want to sell to me. Itching for a relief I picked up the THC from up the street in my hometown. A high so light it is the wine of liquor but any feeling is better than no feeling. Smoking until my head hurt, until the pain in my skull was too much. Traveling to my cousin’s home, having smoked the last bit I had. I had a conversation with God the day before and He’s been getting my commitment levels a tune up. For the road we are on can only be traveled with vigilance and discipline. 

Only God can give me enough strength to put down the weed. Only God can give me enough courage to just get through the day clean. Only God can give me the will to be obedient. I simply got through the day by being obedient. Surrendering just for today looked like sticking to the plan God set for the day. Making sure I hit every milestone that aided in the betterment of my spiritual and mental health. God is so good, I squeezed His hand so tight. I told Him I did not like where I’m at and the things I’m having to handle. Immediately God squeezed me back and I could feel Him say, we got through the morning now keep trusting me until the end of the day. 

God showed up for me, I did not feel alone and for the first time in two months I was able to get through the day clean and sober. Thank God You are real.