herlucidlife

I woke up, already my mind was filled with the stress of addiction and the obsession to obtain that which I can’t receive. Having cried fifteen minutes into the start of the day. God sat with me, in my hurt, held my hand and gave strength to take a step toward recovery. Several days have passed now…full, excited for the next day, some color has come back into my cheeks. The longest week ever turned out to be the best week of my life, filled with the hands of God. I don’t have much to say, my mind isn’t full with what I felt like I should’ve done better.

Having put my best foot forward every single day. I was intentionally obedient, striving to do what God said not because it’s a checklist but because His direction saved my life daily. My plea is that if you read my words and you’re an addict or you know someone struggling with addiction please get them into a program. Most addicts do not seek recovery on their own rather we are forced by the desperation of rock bottom to either seek help or die. God led me to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous for my drug abuse. 

My mind no longer knew how to deal with life, I no longer wanted to live life the way it was “supposed” to be lived. No clue what I wanted my life to look like, I just knew my usage was excessive. Do not assume you know what an addict looks because we all come in different economic statuses, social classes, and races. The common denominator is that our minds are sick and only God and working the program will arrest addiction. Don’t be fooled, there is no cure for addiction, yet we can lose the desire to use and learn a new way to live. 

Granted no one can make that effort but the addict themselves. Walking through the day meant keeping my eye focused on God and my recovery. Staying clean has to be the main goal because recovery is not possible without it. Recovery taught me a very valuable lesson in surrendering to God. Addiction is a fight I can not win, I will lose over and over again. Surrendering means admitting that I can not control my usage. I can not control my life while using and that the drug controls every aspect of my life and mind. My life had become unmanageable. Honestly, it still does until learning a new way to live becomes the main priority. Do not mistake clean does not mean recovered, I can be clean and still be sick in the head. 

Working the steps corrects my thinking that creates a barrier between me and using so long as I choose every single day to recover. Do not go this road alone, get a sponsor. This disease is cunning, progressive, and deadly; even if the thing you use is not necessarily a drug it could be gambling, sex, food. Be mindful of the lengths an addict will go to acquire our drug. All rationale and logic go out the window, we will lie, steal and cheat to get what we want even if that means hurting our family, friends, and children to get it. Take it seriously because the disease of addiction and the effects of it have killed many people. 

It tried to take me out and everyday I fight for my life by surrendering to God, working the program to the best of my ability. Just for today I stay clean and thank God that He held my hand giving me the courage and strength to trust Him.