herlucidlife

The sun has been shining in my heart, my cheeks feel a little bit more rosy. When I lay my head down at night I feel at ease. Peace has entered my mind, not too much focused on what I’m lacking or what could be done better. I’m simply grateful for the day to day routine of my life. Even with a plan God sneaks in little bits of excitement along the way, no day is ever the same. I can never get yesterday back, today is a fleeting experience that will soon only be accessed by memory and tomorrow is the horizon I’ve been longing for. Sometimes my mind likes to assume the life I’m yearning for is so far in the distant future that it’s almost unobtainable like a fantasy. I think that’s fear creating stagnation in the body and mind by making me believe I have time. 

Time to move slowly, time to overthink action so much that it takes months or years to complete the task, time to waste and not be vigilant of the purpose put in my heart. Regardless of hurt, grief, heartbreak, joy, and happiness I have a responsibility to share the gospel. In spite of addiction I have a priority to live the gospel message. It’s the dysfunction in my life that allows God’s grace to be that much more potent. The fervent scent of God’s salvation and gospel message is so strong in my life, it would be a disservice to allow earthly pain to stand in the way of eternal healing. The pain of abstaining from worldly pleasure is like scrapping my face against hot coals, but to hear God dismiss me on judgment day would mean permanent hell…that will never be an option. 

Addiction, divorce, grieving my mother and father has allowed me to see God’s love in my life more than ever. Our relationship is deeper for it, I trust Him more, and my faith has grown. I’m God’s child, my mother is God’s child, my father is God’s child. I will see my people again because we are brother and sister in Christ. I cry because I miss her now but not because I will never see her again. Though they may not be my parents when we get to the other side. I do believe we will know what we meant to each other on this side, it will be special and we will embrace because spiritual ties are never forgotten. Deep down I really have no clue if we will know each other, though it’s something my soul longs for. Just simply seeing her would be enough. 

Does getting a new body mean my mind is erased of all memory of past life? Something to ask the Lord in our next meeting or perhaps He’ll answer in my dreams because He always hears my words. God understands the words I don’t speak, the ones that only my tears say, the ones that only silence can whisper. I lost my train of thought either way, God is showing me life is not on hold but it’s meant to be lived fully His way. God gives me the tools everyday to live the life He wants me to have. His way of living is the best way for me. I believe we all need to live the way Jesus wants us too, though I know not all will feel that way. 

Thankfully it’s not my responsibility to make you live by God. All I can do is share my experience with Him, spread His message…and just maybe the scales will fall off and other people will come alive just like I have.