herlucidlife

Spending more days than none alone, I rarely sit idle. Either working, building my recovery mind and body, and crafting my passions the day is too full to even watch my favorite show. Some nights I hit the pillow feeling as though I lived enough for two people but only one brain houses my efforts. While other days it feels as though I wasted space that someone else would have appreciated… it was gifted to me instead. I’m a little stubborn in that I’d rather have a man than friends. I’d rather be adored by one than loved by many that I can’t build a life with. 

Friends are great for the in-between time and it’s my irritation hushed in anger that says they have no purpose…I know that’s not true. Friends have helped me more than any relationship. My friends Ms. Glenda and Ms. Iris and several others have stood by through thick and thin, family have come alongside to lend a hand and church family keep me in their prayers. N.A. family sees me for one hour everyday, sometimes two hours daily. No shortage of loyalty, so why is that void still open and hurtful? Or do I allow it to stay wounded because my thoughts choose to focus on lack then abundance? 

I keep daydreaming about the new crush I have. Obsession has creeped in, I try to train my thoughts to stay at bay. Emotions all over the place, scattered like ashes across my mind, his scent is potent. Only seen on Sunday, feel a little empty when he’s not seen. I’ll be honest with you guys and please don’t think I am crazy…I’m whispering I think he’s the one. Now don’t go and tell my business you’re sworn to secrecy. Scouts honor. Vulnerable in all my ways, I’m learning the only way to live free is to live authentically transparent. When I began sharing that’s when God freed me, that’s when He showed me that I am a blessing to others by simply speaking. 

Every couple seen makes me think of him. I choose to bring him up before I sleep because it seems to make laying my head down more appealing. Giddy is not the word I could have floated out of my skin and into the heavens to say THANK YOU GOD! For a simple two minute conversation that ended in him subscribing to my YouTube channel. I could write a thousand blogs about my favorite heartwarming bubble of joy, so I’ll stop with the fantasy talk. In the past I would run past God knowing His Spirit had already told me “no.” These days it’s easy to find someone on any social platform. His Spirit within has been quiet so I’m taking that as a “not right now.” This guy is an obsession in my addiction, yet something has kept my hand steady in the Lord’s. 

For the first time I’m waiting for God to give the okay rather than running head first into a prairie that could be a storm. So I wait patiently, focused on the work that is my life. No blessing on my own, God did that. Not clean on my own, God did that. God does everything while I do the little He commanded. The vision is not mine it’s His, the end goal is His glory and honor. I stand by Him knowing as long as I pursue Him that everything in my life including true love will fall into place. God has not forgotten about me, He never will. I know because He promised and He never breaks a promise. Matter of fact God meets me everyday to tell me personally…I remember you, I see you, and you are loved.