herlucidlife

I feel guilty for letting people go. Had to tell myself it’s okay to grieve relationships that are no more. It’s okay to miss old friends. It’s also okay to have peace in knowing I did the right thing for me. Trying to explain what God told me to someone else is a mountain that doesn’t need climbing. I don’t like arguing with grown folks, nor do I believe in giving my opinion when actions could speak louder. My truth is not the next person’s truth. Not everyone has the Holy Spirit inside, not everyone is hearing from the same God. I’ve learned that some are following a figment of their imagination, a god they cooked up to fit what they want. While others follow the True and Living God, there’s consistency when all believers are on one accord. 

The inconsistency around some people was too noticeable to ignore. I don’t blame them because I changed when around them, more worldly. I felt sinful after being around certain people…all we did was get dinner. Jesus can go into any place and not change, yet those around Him will be changed for the better. I have to use discernment because humanly I will fall when tempted. I feel guilty because I wanted to be better but I wasn’t. Guilty because I wanted to be the light that lived differently in the midst of others but it didn’t work. Guilty because rather than me lifting them up, they were dragging me down. Or did I choose to be brought down because I was operating off evil desires?

Guilty because I now see it’s okay to move on and not feel heavy. Trying to justify it to myself…the number one reason that matters is I know in my soul God led me to this point. A year overdue honestly, these friends should’ve been let go a long time ago I just couldn’t see it. Or perhaps I wasn’t ready for it, yet when I came to the end of myself, the brick wall hit me in the face with addiction. Addiction will let you know who’s really in your corner. Crazy how my struggles can bring the ugly out of other people. It’s okay…they don’t know they’re ugly, blinders and blindspots can make us think we’re better than what we are. 

Almost thirty days clean and this is what my clean brain is cooking up. Chemically unbalanced drugs alter the mind on a biological level that can take years to get back, if at all. Can’t believe I was in active addiction for seven years. I don’t celebrate my birthday in the traditional sense anymore. As I age it has turned into a self care day where I unplug, Do Not Disturb is my best friend. Do my favorite things…I include people if I want and if I don’t want then I don’t. The stress to be around people I take off my shoulders because it’s really too much. I pray everyday over my family so I don’t feel the need to be present when the Lord says they’re alright. Besides what good would I be when I could choke a baby kitten right now from rage alone. Don’t worry nothing’s been hurt but me and possibly a few cut off folks. 

You’d never know my anger if you didn’t ask the right question. Hidden like a ghost underneath all the smiling, all the peace on my face. I could look you dead in the eye, calm in my face and nothing would be known. Addiction has taught me the best liar is silence. 

But hey like I said…I really don’t want to talk about it.