herlucidlife

Mommy. Mom. Mama. Ma. You were better than a best friend. 

Seven years ago today at nine thirty in the morning, standing in the church office talking to my boss at the time we received the call that you were no longer on this earth. Immediately the orbit of this planet seemed to shift. The wind lost its sensation and my breath caught in my chest. Managing a shallow breath I felt my soul break in an instant. Life would never be the same. I am a living witness that no it has never been the same and I believe it never will be. Holding my breath for years at a time God is finally teaching me how to inhale and exhale without you near. 

I don’t believe you smile down looking over me, I don’t believe that your spirit is somehow guiding me through life. What I believe is that God has you preoccupied with the Holy Calling you received through salvation and accepted when you died. God guides me now. I only feel you because you taught me how to feel Him. Everyday I whisper Jesus’ name, I see you smile. When I open His Word and feel His heart mesh with mine just a little deeper, I see your face. Every Bible study creates community in the chest, I see your friendship once again through others. 

You’re not just missed but you are desperately loved. Tears fill my eyes when standing in line at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. Just a quick thought of you flashed in front of my mind. Your aroma is no longer in the house yet somehow I can still hear your laugh, saying “you so crazy!” The brightest sun in my life and not even after death have you stopped shining in my life. Grief is simply a continuation of love after death. Funny how you couldn’t breathe in those last days leading up to your death, while I’ve been holding mine since you’ve gone. I replay the day over and over again, remembering how I balled my eyes out the day before the permanent departure. 

Life moved on, bills got paid, what never changed is how I’d give everything back for thirty minutes to hold your hand. Twenty minutes to see your eyes light with joy. Fifteen minutes to hug you tight. Ten minutes to kiss your cheeks. Five minutes to sit close. Zero minutes to never let go again. I never let go, I’m still holding on and I don’t believe I ever have to let go. The greatest gift you ever gave me was God. Out of all the money and the house, He is worth more than it all. He is the divine comfort and unconditional love I’ve always dreamed of. God, our Father knew what He was doing when He gave you to me and me to you. 

No mistakes made, no regret, I loved you as hard as I could while you were here. You loved me the best you could with all your might. So at the end of it all, I’ll say “I love you” because I know you still love me too.