herlucidlife

It’s been about a week since I wrote and I could feel it in my emotions. Writing is my main source of mental relief outside of crying to God. It helps me identify my emotions because I have to sit still, listen to my mind in order to create words on this page. I haven’t had a gut wrenched laugh in years. I “hehe” yet nothing super deep to the point where I can’t breathe. I smiled today and it felt genuine. Have you ever experienced a laugh that felt superficial? Have you ever experienced simply smiling around others yet when alone there’s no smile insight? Stone faced at the gym, not listening to my usual music or YouTube video. I knew I was off. 

Crying to God for understanding of my emotional state. I’d like to blame it on other things, like not enjoying my job anymore, feeling stuck in my work life, not enjoying the cycle of my mind. Yet God has granted me solutions for those issues. He’s granted a way out, though timing is always at His command. Some people cut themselves, some people eat till they can’t take the pain and throw up, and others pull their hair out, while I’m addicted to the pain mental exhaustion causes from overthinking. More than overthinking it’s obsessively and compulsively making myself upset and angry to the point of anxiety ridden heart palpitations. 

It takes a while for me to step into the solution because I’m so used to wallowing in the problem. I’m no longer comfortable in this unhealthy mental cycle. I no longer gain any satisfaction out of hurting myself with ugly thoughts. Fueling stagnation with my own disease of addiction, there is always a solution even if it takes time to walk to it. I initially began my small business of balms to make money. People said they liked the product and I wanted to be able to quit my job and pay bills. It’s not a passion of mine, nor do I super love it yet I like it more than the current position I have now. God’s been softly nudging me to get back into marketing/advertising for this venture because I know it will be my way out of feeling stuck. Talking to my boss about the overwhelming emotions, it simply felt like a bandaid until true reprieve is granted. 

Stuck in a company I’ve been at for eight years, though grateful for all my time. I’m sensing a huge shift coming and I need to gather my mental bearings for the road ahead. Never looking for less work, I’m looking for enjoyable work. Effort that is rewarding to the soul that can always benefit those that support. Gaining the courage to step into the solution and not focus on the problem. At the end of it all the issue is me and how I choose to view my reality. I can either choose to look at it objectively with a birds eye view OR I can take on the view of a worm where life is too big to conquer anything. 

The miracle is that the choice is up to me. God gave me the sound mind to move with discernment operating through wisdom. I will do my best to change my perspective and soar above the problem to identify the solution.