herlucidlife

I was going to take note of the gratitude I had in my heart from the past couple of days. Church family coming to my aid in taking care of my home. Encouraging healthy hobbies that sooth the mind and relax heart muscles. Thank you Monroes for always being a helping hand and a listening ear. I like to title those that treasure me by name and those that don’t stay in oblivion. Stepping into the solution, budgeting my finances with a trusted friend. Working on a spiritual principle of open mindedness being slow to speak but quick to listen that I may apply what she is teaching. My mind was high above what I think I still lack. 

Sunday morning being of service to my church family. Mental strain sets in around Saturday evening hoping that I see my favorite fantasy in the flesh. Torture because I yearn for a moment yet it is more fleeting than a puff of smoke. At the end of it all thinking is this what I’ve settled for? A second that could’ve been left on the shelf because I don’t think it’s doing any good. My feelings get hurt easily, mainly because I allow them to roam any and everywhere like stray dogs. I’m having trouble being transparent so hold on right quick…

I wrote about my crush in this online journal explaining in detail the severity of my mind and heart. My perspective and mental workings are jacked up most times in regard to men. Yet I read energy like braille and the punctuation has shifted. Barely making eye contact with me at church, feeling ignored in group chat. I take people’s actions way too personally because I’m constantly stuck analyzing every little move. Everything means something to me yet it doesn’t mean it’s about me. 

I could feel the tears welling up leaving the church because I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t understand why I’m like this. I don’t enjoy this huge feeling of discontent. Lately, my emotions have been trying to talk about me. They want to beat me up like how I used to, stabbing myself with words. Killing any goodness. I work overtime not to speak ugly to myself. I strive daily to do my best and I actually obtain the reward of knowing I did everything I could to the best of my ability. I no longer take pleasure in hurting myself further. Speaking to myself as a little child. I nurture and console myself knowing it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to feel mentally fragile. 

It’s okay to be sensitive to those close by. It’s okay to pay attention to how others shift around me, and it’s also okay to have hurt feelings in regard to it. The words I speak are only factual to my being. Based on my emotions only, they may not reflect reality or the course of anyone else’s life. Yet for me, right here today I can admit that my feelings are hurt by the assumptions and expectations I put on others without them realizing it. 

Thing about drug substances is I can control when I get them, how much I get, and what I get.  How  long I plan to have it and when I desire to gain more. Yet people as substances are out of control. I can not force men and women alike to appreciate me, like me or even love me. I can not force them to feel comfortable around me. Everything is out of my control and authority when another person is involved. So in an effort to step into the solution, I will do my best to be intentional about where I allow my mind to wander. She naturally likes to roam and think about him but he is not a safe space to be and the damage is only done to me.