herlucidlife

I wanted to come on here and rant about my latest broken emotional storm. Yet instead God sent help. He sent a much needed relief. My dear friend invited me to the park to walk and talk. His presence alone was healing. Nothing forced, not feeling the need to fake happiness, it was enough to see his face. Pray for us addicts. We go through more emotional battles than the normal human..though who is really normal these days? We walk around with some kind of mental health crisis, unfortunately not everyone has help. Not everyone has a healthy support system, not everyone has steps with tangible questions to probe the psyche of that cycle… chains are broken. 

Relapse is real and not all addicts come back to the rooms of N.A. Some stay gone buying into the lie that they aren’t good enough to come back while others overdose. Either the drug or the lifestyle of chasing it will lead to death. I pray for every addict whether in recovery, active, or relapsed it doesn’t matter the level of recovery or active addiction we all need the power of Jesus to make it out alive. Being alive isn’t enough but to be clean, learning a new way of life, losing the desire to use is only possible through Jesus with His tool of N.A. Someone very close to me relapsed and it hurt my soul. It hurt to think she would hurt not only herself yet everyone in her circle for a temporary moment of relief that would ultimately lead to a permanent dent in her heart. 

We heal yet there are some things the spirit never forgets. A lot of the pain I’ve gone through was self inflicted, things that did not have to happen. Yet for some reason chose to go down the road anyway. It’s easy to blame those that walked the path with me yet they only walked through a door I unlocked and held open for them. Feeling as though they were doing right by not leaving me alone on the path to destruction. The blind leading the blind is a real thing and not all want to see properly even after stubbing their toe in the dark. Some keep walking, constantly running into traps while others look for the Being of Light to set them free. 

Jesus sets me free every day, every moment. Recently my body has been screaming in lustful rage. I’ve had dreams that run their course in sexual activity. The urges of the body are one of my drugs of choice. Trying to fill the deep well of lust is a never ending void, greedy never getting enough. I couldn’t watch enough porn or masturbate enough to fill that hole. The only thing filling up was my self hatred and loathing. Months ago I would have fallen into the trap, I would have scratched the itch. Yet now I pray instead. I go to a meeting, I work the 12 steps in regard to this filler drug. Today I have tools to put up against this body and it sets me free. 

I now understand that temptation without sinful actions passes. Yet sin holds the temptation in place that it may create more cycles of pain. I do not have to use or pick up drugs no matter what, no matter the form. I am set free because Jesus said so. Doesn’t mean the temptation won’t come back around but it does mean I have a choice today. Just for today I chose God’s lane.