herlucidlife

Sharing something personal about his life, selfishly fear set in. Thinking, am I good enough? Do I possess all the qualities that he’s looking for and needs? I’m scared because I tell him all these things that leave my heart exposed just to think that maybe I’m not supposed to be here with him. I’m so fearful that God brought me someone just to show me that I’m not ready. I’m paranoid and anxious that God will reveal my low self esteem and I’m struggling to find my worth. I like being lusted by him because it’s what I’m used to. I enjoy our conversations because it’s something I’m not comfortable with. Maybe I could be loved for what’s on the inside. 

I feel like a fraud, an impostor. Someone that’s faking confidence but really has none. This heartfelt venture is uncertain because the road isn’t clear cut in my vision. It’s taking more faith than what I thought. It’s taking more trust that God will give what I’m yearning for. Learning way more than I imagined about myself, he reflects the very things I struggle with. Asking hard questions, I leave my soul on the table every single time. I’ve never been so panicked about a relationship in my life. My heart breaks at my lack of trust in God or me or just the general thought of I’m not sure who my trust is with at the moment. 

The words on the screen gave unease into my spirit. Immediately I became frantic with my thoughts. Losing breath, tangled in the anxiety of my mind. It was the first time I thought that maybe I don’t have what he needs and just maybe I’m here for a while but not for the long haul. I want the long haul, the truck load that leads to matrimony and babies and holding each other’s hand on our deathbeds. I’ve never had a problem being transparent in front of him, our vulnerability has never been fleshed but spiritual with a sea of emotions. As I’m writing this the thought that maybe being honest with my fear with him would be another avenue to receive healing. 

At this point in my life I’d rather be completely honest than live life in the dark venting to my dear friends on a screen. Though understood and loved they are not the person I’m fearful of and the only way to conquer fear is to share it with the person that holds the angst. In mid sentence writing my heart away, Jesus whispered to me “be honest with him.” The first step in recovery deals with honesty and humility. Honesty means being transparent with my emotions and not hiding. Humility because my fear was self centered and focused on me. Deep down if I’m not the correct person then it would be smart to figure it out now rather than later while the ties are more difficult to break.

God will reveal more and until then I will continue to stretch into this inner growth of confronting emotions rather than running in fear. I will be okay, he will be okay, we will be okay because God said so.