herlucidlife

Almost a month since my last post. Carrying around emotions in secret not wanting to divulge too much for close family read my words. Go was the word I received from God. Taking it literally I began calculating what it meant to leave what I’ve known behind. Sitting on the floor in my living room face timing my boyfriend we both wanted to escape life, drop everything and retreat. I’ve always wanted to run away from the life it felt my mother left behind for me to steward. Her house, her friends, her chosen church family though all loves of my life. I couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt like a hammy down. Please don’t be offended by my words, I need to find my place in the world.

My inner circle is full of folks who’ve lived full lives, have had careers and are now settled in a place of chosen safety. Exploration has sunk into their bones and exploded, and they are now in a place of settlement. I sit in the grip of wanting to chase my dreams, be a little reckless even bump my head if I have too. Haven’t told my family what I’ve done to shift the trajectory of my earthly fate. I fell in love with a man who got me thinking about the place I hold in the world. I purposely sought the company of a man who got me thinking deeper of God and His Highest Majesty. I intentionally allowed God to place me in the inner circle of a man who was leaping into the faith of His arms.

A little over four months clean and life once again felt bundane, stagnant and purposeless. Filling other people’s lives with compassion and a listening ear while mine felt like it was withering away into nothing. The simplest thing I could say is I’m not happy with what my life looks like today. Recovery has allowed me to reach so many different people sharing my love for them through a screen, sharing heart strings across dinner tables yet how can something still be missing? The gratitude I have for my home and career have been spent, wretched so hard that no more liquid can possibly come out. It’s time for the role to have a new life with someone else who can do more than I was.

Willingness has depleted to one percent, no more energy, I’ve given my best to stay the course though my heart left years ago. God granted second, third and fourth winds…the fifth brought me to the realization that God has finally spoken. It is time. What happened next I’m not sure. What I do know is that July 15 marked my last day as a trusted employee of my job. July 19 marks the beginning of covering the designs my mother created, readying my house for someone else to call home. The house stands empty of worldly possessions. Leaving the streets I know so well for highways that have no knowledge of my existence. I’ve walked out on faith, trust falling into the arms of Jesus. No plan B or C…just His voice is my blueprint. In that case, I know the road will be successful because anything He voices comes to pass.