herlucidlife

I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought everything I was doing God told me to do. I’m not so sure anymore. His voice and mine get mixed and confusion sets in. The first week not on the job, family has been let in on my future plans, boyfriend seems to not understand me at all. What was it all for? Nothing in life ever goes to plan which is to be expected yet somehow I feel dumb hoping that it would. I feel stupid for wanting to move for a guy I just started dating months ago. I feel like a child for listening to all these concerns from family who would’ve never done what I’ve done. Feels like more weight has been added that wasn’t there before or perhaps I was living on a fake pink cloud.

I have no money. I was so emotional I could barely get out of bed this morning, the dawn has turned to afternoon and I’ve done nothing to get money. I feel useless and misunderstood. Looking for a miracle, a way to not feel so mindless. Taking a leap of faith, the concrete was closer than I expected. I know God is doing something in the background, I just don’t know what. Fear is lingering underneath all the sadness, I’m not alone I have family yet somehow I feel abandoned by the one I want the most. Painting over the walls in the house, my anger increased with every stroke. Feeling like an ungrateful brat; upset with my mother who left me a house, irritated that I have people who love me and share their concerns with me, horrified that I have a boyfriend who cares so much about his family that it makes me question my own importance. 

Going from angry statements that I will not repeat to praying that God takes my mind away. I knew deep down I was really angry at God for giving me this plight, this burden in my life is something I wouldn’t want anyone to have. Yet I was reminded that I am the best person to have this storm, why not me to have this cross to bear? It has not killed me, it has not broken me beyond recognition. If anything it has grown me, pruned branches that were useless, and has given me a faith beyond my wildest dreams. My compassion for people has been lacking lately. The concern for my family has dwindled. I love every single person so dearly, my fear keeps me from going about things the right way. Information that should be done face to face is done through text message. I become so overwhelmed with emotion I do it in haste because the thought of telling them to their face completely haunts the whole operation. 

I really don’t want to care but I do. Sometimes I think it would be easier going through life without their love yet I know it wouldn’t be. Someone who feels suffocated can think of love as a burden. Leaving to be with a man who I’m not sure would do the same for me has me in a complete chokehold. I don’t listen to other people’s concerns because they are simply regurgitating what I’ve told myself. Nothing new has been said to my ears that I already didn’t think of beforehand. May not seem like it but God blessed me with a great mind that turns over every rock before making a decision. When I think too much I go low. When this mind gets to work it sinks underneath gratitude and goes right to hateful. This process has brought my attention to things I do not like about myself. I forget that my life impacts my family, whether I see them super often or not there’s a comfort in knowing a loved one is close by. 

I don’t like that I may have hurt my family’s feelings by not sitting them down and including them in my plans. Selfishly, considering the thought feels like a prison and oddly discomforting. I love serving people yet I’ve never considered myself to be super family oriented. Mother was oriented when she was here and perhaps others see something that I don’t yet I think my view of family keeps me from wanting to conform. I know they are needed, I understand that I’m needed for them, for some reason I can’t shake the feeling that at the end we are all people just simply trying to do the best we can. I’ve learned throughout this whole life that no one person can fulfill me, not family, not a boyfriend, not children or spouse…but only God can do that. So I strive to love through faith, then just maybe I can do right by my bloodline.