herlucidlife

Today was an emotionally difficult day. Yesterday was better though I felt genuinely insane for the smile on my face. I felt held together, oblivious to the hole in my heart and excited. I registered for classes this January and worked on filing financial aid. God’s been exposing self will. Most of my life choices have been what my will wants and not what God’s will wants. God has allowed things to work out for my good. Positioning me for greater things. Sprouting seeds. I don’t know what I’m doing. I moved to be with a guy who really didn’t want to be with me. The only great thing is that I’m not stuck in my hometown still wishing I had the courage to do something different. 

All I could see was grief nestled in that house. For the first time I can actually see what I struggle with outside of grief. I see me. Yet still I have no clue what I’m doing. What I do know is to put God first, do not use drugs no matter what and do what’s in my control only. I’ll be thirty in a couple weeks. Excitement and gratitude flow from my heart. In active addiction I never thought I would live to see the beginning of a new decade. I’m proud because life is starting over every single day. I do my best even when I’m tired and don’t feel like it. Zombie, walking through life on autopilot. My twenties were a complete shit show. They say the mind isn’t fully formed until mid to late twenties. I am at the beginning. 

It’s refreshing to live in a city and home that houses no trauma. No drug use, no reminders of the darkness that has taken place in my life. Family says “oh you can come home since it didn’t pan out the way you thought.” Truth be told, no part of my life is what I wanted. I could go down the list of events that I would’ve had different but what happened is God’s plan alone, things He allowed me to survive…I’m okay. I don’t go back out of pride, yet I keep going forward because it puts space between me and trauma. We, God and I worked too hard to turn back.  Home houses every person that loves me, yet their love never outweighed the sickness in my soul. For me the only way to go home is to go forward. 

Though I have no clue what’s going on or why things happen the way they do…I know I am doing better now than I was six months ago. Self awareness turns into wisdom when action takes place. Knowledge about myself is useless if I’m not using the data to change my behavior for the better. The assignment God has given is letting go of my will to live in His will. Chef Ramsay once said “don’t foresee, just focus.” Foreseeing is God’s domain, mine is to focus on the task at hand. My will wants to know the outcome, God’s will says obey in faith. Though I’m not exactly where I want to be, I know I’m right where God needs me to be.