herlucidlife

I went to a recovery convention this weekend. I heard speakers from across the state and out of state. I saw the diversity of recovering addicts. All shapes, colors, beliefs and socioeconomic status. Both recovery and addiction vary in degrees of severity, but the hurt and pain is always the same when we come in and the miracle is never changing when we stay. Usually I flip out over the inconveniences of life. A rush of fear and doubt floods my mind and makes it hard to see the solution and be led by God. Growth because instead of panicking I instantly looked for the solution in the meantime. I pray for God’s guidance and remind myself that every single day I experience has already been touched by God.

Jeremiah 29: 11-14. God created every single plan for our lives. He knows the details needed to create a changed heart in us. My life completely changed when I stopped chasing the world. When I stopped wanting to control my life, I gained freedom. Freedom from addiction, freedom from my old ways of thinking. God didn’t change the outward. He changed the inward, then I began making different choices and decisions. I began seeking Him with all of my heart and that changed the outward. It’s like hide and seek. When I seek God He will be found, yet if I choose to never look for Him He will stay hidden.

God wants to be found all I have to do is seek Him with all my heart. He hears every prayer. I remember my last day of using drugs like the last day mom was on this earth. Sitting on the sofa that she once sat on, in the house she and I once lived in. Gut to the floor, heart shattered into unrecognizable pieces. Using drugs was no fun anymore because beyond popular belief I LOVED the way drugs made my body feel. But I HATED the way it made my soul feel even more. If I could’ve used AND been spiritually whole, I would’ve never put down the blunt. Fortunately, that’s not God’s plan. I had to give it up, when I could no longer sense who I was…it had to go. When I could no longer stand the spiritual warfare going on in between my ears…it had to go.

One of the hardest days of my life, saved my life. God gave me hope, renewed my faith and brightened my future. He gave me tools that will last a lifetime. I just had to seek Him, I had to show up. I had to hold up my end of the deal or it wasn’t going to work. Life had become so comfortable that it allowed time and space for depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts to creep in. A complete one eighty, my life is SO full today. I have no time to be down and lick my wounds, there’s too much work to be down. I work because I have to give my active gratitude to God, the ONE who saved my life. I’m disciplined because I have to show my thankfulness to myself. 

Time will go by, it won’t wait. God has time yet if I want every promise on this side of my eternal timeline then I MUST do everything to receive it because I do not have time.