herlucidlife

It’s amazing how eight years can go by so quickly yet brutally slow all at the same time. She would’ve been sixty-two today. God has never failed me. The moment she took her last breath I knew I would be well taken care of because I am connected to the Most High. He NEVER changed, His love simply became stronger in my life. I see her in my dreams. We hug and talk. She knows exactly what’s going on in my life today. I tell her about NA conventions and recovery, she knows the weight of my recent heartbreak. She said “he better never come back.” I never believed that dead people could see what was going on in our lives. I felt that they were doing what God wanted them to do in the next phase of existence. Depending on the road they chose on this side. 

God is often shifting what I know to be true. He ultimately has shown that He can literally do whatever He wants. He created the barriers and boundaries, He can alter them too. On her birthday last year I was so riddled with grief of taking drugs that I could barely miss her. Entertaining a man I knew there was no future with but he had the drugs I wanted. Feening for a hit, I reached out to him and he came like a dark horse out of the abyss. I’m thankful to actually miss her on this birthday. I’m grateful to know that my life today doesn’t just honor me but it honors her too. I’ve never felt so full in my life. Full of gratefulness!! I never thought my life would be busier in a new state where I barely know anyone, than my life where I knew everyone but felt empty. I have three physical friends in this new state. One from work, one from church and one from recovery. Complete with community. 

I know my life looks nothing of how my mother would’ve thought, yet I know the courage I have to live life on God’s terms warms her heart. Today is her birthday Jan. Seventeen, the day I wrote this. It’s a beautiful sunny and cold day, somewhat similar to the day she died. Grief is a hard pill to swallow but once it goes down the effects continue to get easier. It’s a weight off my shoulders to know that I no longer have to live by her words nor anyone else’s. She always wanted me to be a woman of God and I am exactly that today, just as I was yesterday. I write a letter for her birthday every year. I tell her how the year went and how she is missed. Then it’s sealed and saved, never to be opened again. I have seven of those letters. Our lives look completely different, very little similarity. The one true thing is that she loved Him just as much as I do. Linked for eternity. It’s better to be linked through Christ than simply through flesh and blood. For what is unseen is eternal and what is seen is temporary.