herlucidlife

Never considered myself to be someone who held grudges. Have you ever forced yourself to do something against your will? I do the very thing I wish I could let go of. Breaking my soul, ailing my spirit I always think I’m better until I’m not. Wishing I wasn’t like this, somedays I feel so mentally sick and drained it’s almost impossible to fathom why God would ever waste time on me. Having thoughts like, “you should give up this Christian thing and just live life.” Those thoughts scare me. I keep going anyway. I keep coming to God anyway. 

I am ready to be brought into the sky with Jesus. I don’t want to experience this side of being human. My skin is drier than the desert, drinking water though it must not be enough. No amount of balm keeps my skin from looking like I rolled in flour. Before my transgression I felt a slight disconnect from God. The transgression made it no better. Having trouble prioritizing everything taking place in my life today. I leaned toward a mindless activity that only housed the sensation of my body exploding from within. Rebelling as I read about rebellion. Numb, going through the motions. Unworthy of anything God offers me on a daily basis. 

Pity has arrived at the party, she’s killing the vibe. I know when she’s about to arrive it’s like sensing the grim reaper before he appears. The presence is known before materialization.