herlucidlife

My thoughts are a trauma response. So much of my decisions are based on trauma. I’ve been nervous to include God in my decision making because I’m scared He’ll keep taking things away. Always hearing if God removed something and someone then He must be bringing something better…where’s my better? It’s sad because being content with God and myself doesn’t feel like better. I feel like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Going through step four, the section on relationships appeared as I began talking to a young man. 

God granted me a real life example to pull from while answering these deep heartfelt questions. The days have been long and steady. Sitting on my shoulders is like a ton of weight. My face is dismal at best when at work, if looks could throw bullets everyone including myself would be bleeding. Watching porn to soothe the emotions, I’m beginning to feel nothing because I’m already so low. God spoke to me that He doesn’t love me less for watching porn rather He loves me more because there’s a hole for Him to step into. I may love me less but my love does not affect His love for me. Deuteronomy twenty, three through four says “today you are about to engage in battle with your enemies. Do not be cowardly. Do not be afraid, alarmed, or terrified because of them. For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you, against your enemies to give you victory.” 

God is telling the Isrealites how to behave when taking over the nations He is giving them as an inheritance. I believe there are “nations”, unholy things that God is taking over in me. Clearing things out for an inheritance, receiving what was stolen from me. I constantly give myself to sin. God is saying those things can be restored. The enemy isn’t Satan, no right now, the enemy is myself. I turn back because I get cowardly thinking about all I have to do for battle. God is going to battle for me. He has won the war, so why do I keep trying to “do for” God? When He wants to do great things through me. Scrapping myself from the floor after hours of releasing myself to the screen. Scrubbing my skin clean with soap and water, my body felt numb. Emotions in a sea of pity and needing love. My voice began to sing, on a repeat of the Oceans. 

God is all encompassing like the oceans, His love is so deep there’s possibly no way to see all that He is AND comprehend it. Ragged, looking for lust to fill a God sized hole. Getting dressed in my closet. Turning off the lights, shutting the door. Singing to God in silence, I could fill His presence enter my small closet. Wrap me up and say, “it’s okay to be dirty because I’ve made you clean. It’s okay to struggle because My Son Jesus has already died for it. It may not feel okay but I’m here anyway.” Weeping at His feet, feeling things come off that I’d been holding onto all because I was scared to trust Him. I walked out the closet, my eyes feeling puffy like scales had fallen off. My apartment looked different and I felt loved and cared for. It’s great knowing that humans love me but knowing God loves me changes everything. 

Sitting down at my laptop to type these very words. Gratitude immediately came to my mind. For weeks I’ve been ungrateful, discontent and full of ego. Outside circumstances are only a symptom of the root, the originator is me.