herlucidlife

Acceptance, self acceptance. A surrendering to the way things are with a willingness to work towards better. Going to meetings, listening to other addicts speak about the battles and joys of recovery. I’m creeping to the completion of step four. A fearless and moral inventory of myself, acceptance comes from looking at every part of me and being okay with it. Courage to stand confident in it and the willingness to do different things in order to grow. Acceptance has been the root cause of most of my poor decisions, I didn’t accept me and assumed others wouldn’t either. Yet people are going to accept what I give, the issue was I wasn’t accepting of what I was giving. 

I haven’t felt this good in a long time. Even with things not being exactly the way I want them to be within myself, I can’t complain…the sky shines brighter than it ever has before. I no longer see issues and things to work on when I look at my life, I just see light and serenity. I no longer see heartbreak and dred, my responsibilities no longer weigh me down. I just needed to get to the other side. The process of walking isn’t always easy and some days I crawled, prostrated to the ground like a worm but I made it to the other side. Now I’m walking more confidentially, trusting my gut feelings more and giving myself grace for those times I mess up. 

Missteps are a part of the process. Walking with my Father is not as straight and narrow as I’d always thought it would be. Though it is easier for a camel to pass through a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven. Sin is a sickness of the heart. Sometimes I sense the cancer is still riddling my brain, while other times I can visibly see changes in the right direction. Perhaps going in the right direction is the goal because they signal a change in behavior. There’s some aspects of my life that I struggle with like sex, standing up for myself and those I love against other people. Even in my tug of war I always try to do well by others and myself, I know not everyone means well yet it still catches me off guard sometimes. 

God has been bringing tests my way to grow me in the areas I need. Writing these words God speaks through me as I flip back and forth between writing and porn. Crazy how my sin doesn’t change the character of His Holy Spirit. He works whether I am struggling or not. Also I think “struggling” is a nice word for saying I’m not accepting enough of myself and who I am to truly stand up for the righteousness placed inside my soul. Sadly, I’m not at a place where I’m standing up for God at all cost especially to the cost of my own comfort.