herlucidlife

I always seem to fall for the guy that’s no good for me. I yearn for the man that broke my heart because I’ve never really met someone that fits. I am horrible at keeping to my own boundaries and constantly ignore discernment telling me to “stay away from that one.” I get close only to get burned but it doesn’t have to be that way. I look for easy attention because waiting for what I really want takes more patience than I am capable of. One day I am okay, then the next I’m thinking of Z. One day I feel worthy and the next I don’t feel like enough. One day I feel loved and the other I feel forgotten and abandoned. Falling for the manipulation, kind words and sweet gestures because I want to believe it’s all real when I know it’s not. I am a hopeless romantic who believes in true love, it doesn’t have to look like a fairy tale but simply real. I believe real love exists.

I often think about Z from time to time. Wondering where he may be, who he loves now. Is he okay? Does he ever think of me? I do my best to pray the thoughts away but sometimes I allow them to sit too long. I see his features in other men, they remind me of him. The occasional love song brings me back to that time and though we were not together very long it impacted my heart in ways I wish it hadn’t. I talk to God, I know I am not alone. He sees me at all times, He knows what my tears mean even when I don’t. He listens compassionately and holds my hand. He reminds me I am loved, seen and known. His love washes over me constantly, it’s sad that sometimes I become unappreciative because I don’t have that “special someone.” 

God is my Father; our relationship is growing deeper. I am eating healthier, intentional at the gym and way more self-aware and acting on that awareness. My cat is healthy, happy, and bouncy. Friends are beautiful creatures; we pour into each other with love. God is great, amazing and awe inspiring. The days I cry are the days when I’m reminded that no broken heart can choke out the goodness God has placed on my head. He allows me to take care of my needs and responsibilities with grace and diligence. I look forward to each day because I know with God there everything is more than okay. He has proven over and over His sovereignty. He doesn’t prove because He has too but because He loves me. I trust Him in every area of my life and I’m trusting Him in this one too. Instead of reaching out to Z, I lift my head to God in prayer, write my emotions and tell myself tomorrow will be better…and it always is. 

I keep moving forward, doing the work in good faith that the work being done in me will pay off way more than my simple expectation of wanting to love myself.