herlucidlife

I’ve been writing more on the go. Sometimes looking to sit down at my laptop keeps me from getting down the emotions I feel throughout the day. Opening google docs on my phone keeps me filtering through emotions and ideas as they arise. 

There’s always an emotion swirling in my mind. Something I can’t fully put my finger on but its presence is felt deeply. Is it sadness, peace, calm, guilt, or remorse? I’m learning all these emotions can perhaps live together at some point. None cancel out the other. 

I may be rambling but something in me says keep writing you may not hit the bottom but you’ll hit something. Standing up at my desk at work, filling the cool denim of my jeans brush against my legs. A wonderful thrift store find. I feel heavy. Not uneasy but weighed down by something. 

I keep adding things up in my head, one plus one doesn’t always equal two, though it should. A young lady from work not too long ago asked me, what is something I think creates a healthy relationship? I listed acceptance of the other, commitment to being committed. Looking back it grieved my heart that I did not say God. 

Perhaps it shows where my mind is at when choosing a partner myself. God was not the center of any relationship I was in, the tragic toxic result of each ending proved it so. Coming into contact with new people. I want a certain perception to be held.

I know the actual person must live free in order for the perception to be genuine. The perceived person can be skewed by perception and experiences while the actual person is always true.