herlucidlife

Everytime I come to my laptop there’s a little weight I feel in my heart. The heaviness of words needing to be set free. Sitting in a N.A. meeting tonight the topic of getting closer to our Higher Power was presented. It got me thinking of all the times God had His eye on me. Looking at the deeper issues of my soul. He was there when I wouldn’t let others get close. He was there in isolation, He was there in grief, He was there in joy.

He allowed me the gift of writing to process the emotions I was feeling. I began writing to heal. To heal the parts of me I couldn’t see, some parts I wanted to ignore. He was there. I’ve always had a relationship with God, yet it was not always a good relationship. We’ve had our ups and downs. Struggles and woes, yet one thing has always remained true…He has never left me alone. The weight of God is heavy on my soul, on my mind and on my heart at all times. His presence is heavy yet His light is freeing.

He reminds me of how much I need Him. He reminds me of how much He can bear. He reminds me of His fullness because God isn’t simply loving yet He’s corrective. He isn’t simply caring yet He casts things out. He isn’t simply kind yet He is wrathful, storing up anger for the correct time. He isn’t simply high yet He looks low for those in the trenches. He isn’t simply grand yet He weaves together every detail. God is all things at one time, His character is full and vast. 

The only thing He is not is evil, dark and worldly. Those things He never was, never is, and never will be. The solid foundation He has brought to my life is more than I could have ever asked for. He granted life when I kept chasing death. He chose me when I kept running away. He calls me His daughter when I forget who I belong to. He continues to change me even when I can’t stay away from porn. He looks down on me with grace especially when I keep running back to that sin like a dog to its vomit. 

I long for something deeper while constantly chasing the shallow. God stays with me. Every single day I’ve seen his goodness in my life, goodness I could not have created for myself. I see His goodness in the lives of others. The growth that only He could’ve done. There are things that no human can take credit for. Jesus died on the cross for my sins, no human can boast about doing that. We can only boast in the Lord because only He did that. 

Just as there are events in my life that only God did, I can’t boast in them. Sitting crossed legged on my sofa in a dimly lit apartment listening to the rain drops travel down the gutters. Only God can cleanse the earth. Only God can change the hearts of people. He’s changing my heart everyday, so I know He is changing others too. The fallen have fallen yet those He chooses and they answer the call will rise again. Soar through the sky and show only His glory can do what man can not.