herlucidlife

The new year is around the corner. Looking forward to classes starting back. Excited about the new things God has in store. Ecstatic about the old things that will fall to the wayside. I’m also curious about the tough times down the road though no anxiousness, I’m only focused on the good things. 

Stuck in my head, having had a rather odd dream of an ex-boyfriend. Some emotions are swirling inside my mind. Speaking with God about the feelings, something said open the word. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.” 

It hit because my thoughts were that of the old naje. Yet the new naje decided to surrender the emotions to God and simply stop. Though my emotions don’t always stop right away, I was able to rest knowing that I’m moving forward regardless of what my emotions say. I’m moving ahead with life every single day. Trying to look at the dream as more of a message then simply focusing on the guy is difficult. 

Sitting on the floor of my living room, deep conditioner in my hair. Talking with God, this overwhelming feeling to desperately leave this person behind was on my heart. Not only do I not want to bring that person into the new year, I don’t even want to bring that person into the next minute. Such cruel and unusual punishment to yearn for someone that is not here, and chooses not to be every single day. 

The reality is that person isn’t here. They removed themselves. That’s it, no amount of dreams or rationalizations is going to change that fact. So, knowing all of that information, I am doing my best to cut the cord in my heart and mind. Physically the cord died a long time ago yet I’ve been keeping things alive within myself. Yet, something inside knows it’s not me doing it. If it were me, I’d be mentally shut off, I’ve done it before so many times. 

I’d never want to hurt myself this way, this is a different kind of rawness. I pray to God to remove it, days and months go by and I’m good till the thoughts flood back in and I’m asking God to remove them. Sometimes, I don’t even ask for removal, I simply look at the sufficiency of His grace that I’ve been able to keep moving forward.  The greatness of His love is that I pray for that person even when I don’t have the words. 

Even if the prayer is a little selfish because I’m hoping it’ll remove that person from my mind, God knows about that too. It’s done, yet that small still voice in my heart says…it’s not. What else can be done? Nothing but to stay the course faithfully.