herlucidlife

I’ve been experiencing heavy shame for my sexuality lately. A straight woman, sex has been something that is seen as shameful. Sexual thoughts are bad, sexual desires are bad. I don’t know how to reconcile the fact that God made sex while feeling so much shame for not doing sex within His boundaries. 

Reading for class, the topic of the chapter was sexuality. As I kept reading I greatly identified with the shame and guilt felt every single time I do or think anything sexual. Never in my life have I had a sexual encounter or thought that did not bring great shame. Even in marriage I felt shame for having sex with my then husband. 

As I’ve grown closer to God, peeling back layers of my emotions.  Shame still hides underneath it all. Growing up I was taught that sex outside of marriage was spiritually ugly that all sex fell under the umbrella of sin. Then to see sex on the tv in every show whether explicit or insinuating. I never saw my mother perform sexual acts, I saw her kiss a man one time. In my mind she never had sex or sexual urges. 

Though we talked about everything, I was often scared to bring up sex. We had a loose conversation about it a couple times but the fear of going too deep stopped me from really being vulnerable. Having been caught searching a sex website at age 11, I was not whooped but I knew I was wrong because I tried to hide it. Everything in my life said it was wrong while the world said it was okay. 

I look to God for the answer. I read scripture and it says how lust is wrong. That my sexual urges don’t always please God. I know I need Him to help me though I don’t know how.