herlucidlife

Having slept most of the day, my emotions feel heavy. Speaking with my sponsor yesterday, she told me to write out how I’m feeling. Well today I’m feeling sad and burdened. I feel like crying. I feel like my faith is being questioned because of the shame I hold with sex. For the sex I had. For all the sexual thoughts. For the time I was forced to have sex though I said no. I remember the way my body felt so disgusting. 

I blamed myself. I should have never invited that person over! I should have never worn sweatpants with no underwear. I should have never let him go down on me. I made him think it was okay, that perhaps my “no” didn’t mean anything because I had done everything that made him think it was okay. While some would say it was warranted, others would call it assault. Truth is I don’t know what I would call it. 

I still take on the responsibility of my wrongs. If I had not been there it would not have happened. Had I chosen a different path I would not have reached that consequence. From the age of four I knew I liked the pleasure of touching myself. I also knew the emotions of it being wrong. Keeping it to myself, never speaking on it. It was a well kept secret between myself and I. 

It was not until after college that I began sharing my struggles with masturbating and porn. It was then that I noticed I’m not the only one carrying this weight. I think of how Jesus carried all shame for me to the cross while I still carry shame to this day. It’s not talked about enough in the church. Shame is not talked about enough. The emotional and spiritual hole created when my body and mind do things that are so natural. How do I live with it? How do I cut off the shame? How do I live in singleness thinking sex is wrong but then when married it’s all of a sudden right? I don’t have the answers.