herlucidlife

Jonah was sent to Nineveh to share the gospel with the unbeliever. God had already prepared their hearts to receive while Jonah’s heart was still hard. The trip wasn’t only for Nineveh, it was for Jonah too. 

I often think about how the journey of my life is to share the gospel with others. The journey is for the hearer and the doer. Part of my journey is allowing God to heal the wounds of sexual sin. Not sure if I’m making sense. Daily I look at my body with something negative flashing across my mind. For several days I’ve felt vulnerable and raw. My heart has felt open and hurt. With a deep sigh I’m also trying to find the words of how I’m feeling. Jonah didn’t want to go. He ran from God, but God never lost sight of Jonah. 

God has never lost sight of me. I’ve run from healing, from the calling for so long yet God keeps rerouting me. He keeps bringing me back to this issue until it’s resolved. He’s not done saving me. I’ve come to a part of my recovery where it’s getting real. I’m getting to the real hurt that I carry like a backpack. Everywhere I go there it is. Never to escape, I keep going to the same things for relief but in fact it’s only getting worse. Sleeping more than usual, staying up most of the night. Feeling like a vampire running away from the sun. Sitting at my work desk feeling depleted and drained, though I slept all day. 

Jonah put others in danger by being disobedient. If I run away from this part of the journey I can very well cause damage to others. Operating out of a hurt place, I need to be still. Still for the spiritual surgery, still for the changes. My sponsor suggested I be celibate from myself for a while. It’s one thing to not have sex with a man, it’s a whole nother not to touch myself. The truth is I’ve been my sexual partner since I was 4 years old. Whether in a relationship or not I was always pleasuring myself. The thought of removing it is scary and all the more necessary for my healing. 

Who knew the broken pieces went so deep.