herlucidlife

I’ve been struggling with holding content within myself and wanting a partner. In the past it was either one or the other. I thought I had to choose between peace or wanting a partner. Sex has really swarmed in my head so much that it affects how I see men. It affects how I see women. It affects how I see myself in relation to men. I tend to see sex as primary, then mental and spiritual connection as secondary, when in reality sex is the secondary component. I think of sexual encounters with men before I think of how to connect with them mentally. 

My experience with men has always had sex as the most important while we as people were secondary. Perhaps that is why I’ve had a hard time seeing value in me as a person. Immediately I think a man won’t want me if I don’t look a certain way. Granted, that may be true for some men but certainly not all. I do my best to take care of myself physically yet deeply rooted is the yearning for physical validation from someone outside of myself. Even deeper I’ve not been able to accept myself because all I see is a sex object. 

Slowly I’m beginning to accept my body, as body and sex are directly related in my mind. I’m at the very beginning of this next phase. I’m finally at the nitty gritty of my recovery. It’s happening.