herlucidlife

The obsessive thoughts have killed me for way too long. I yearn for a mind that is free from burden, free from shame, free from the hate I beat myself with. I obsess about the yearning to be better, to not be where I am. In active addiction I never wanted to be where I was and now I’m finding myself getting to that point again. 

I want to be me, just not this version. I want to be te woman on the other side of this mountain. I am getting to the other side, one day at a time. One heavy day after the other with sprinkles of light in between. Today was emotionally heavy. Feeling like a brick going through fasting, feeling my body scramble with emotions and hunger. The emotions were so heavy it distracted me from hunger. 

Shame is making it difficult to praise. Feeling as though what is natural is not always spiritual causing confusion to roll in my mind. How do I love God and appreciate what is natural to me? The biggest chasm I’ve ever faced in my spiritual and natural walk with God. There’s no option to turn my back on God. There’s no denying that He’s real. There’s no denying my sexual appetite causes so much pain in our relationship. 

I may not know how but I have to trust God to lead me out of this forest of shame and fear. I know I’m so incredibly loved by my Father. I can not for even a moment fathom how much love He holds in His heart and mind for me. I am at the beginning of a wonderful journey with the Lord. A deep soul connecting spiritual cleansing headed by my Father. I’m scared. I’m not sure I’m ready for the work ahead yet I know staying the way I am will cause even more turmoil down the line.