herlucidlife

We’re moving. God moved me physically, allowing me to have everything I needed to shift and change. The physical move was a sign for the emotional and spiritual move God has me embarking on. At my homegroup meeting I picked up a white key tag for porn addiction. 

Lord, I’ve been feeling as though it’s time to really dig up the shame and disgust planted in my mind and heart about sex. I’ve carried these feelings and emotions for so long and finally I’m willing to look at it. I’ve never gone to therapy for this specific concern. Having booked my first appointment, thankfully covered by my insurance. 

I’m ready to uncover the darkness and bring it to light. Masturbating this morning I couldn’t help   but feel this overwhelming sense of disgust in my throat. It felt almost nauseating. I’ve felt the feeling before and pressed through it but today I couldn’t help but notice it. Bringing it up to my sponsor, I could feel the need to bring it up in therapy. 

From sexual encounter to sexual encounter whether I chose it or not, the shame, disgust and unsafety has been mounting and growing, even within myself. Though the act is safe physically with myself, it’s not mentally, emotionally, and spiritually safe.  

Truthfully I’m not sure how to create that safety when nothing has changed to combat the way I’m feeling. When the way I’m feeling was created by outside forces I have no control over. Years of ingrained idealogy being told it’s wrong, not wanting to live outside of God’s structure. I simply want to not feel disgusted. 

I have a hard time calling some things I encountered molestation or rape. Making excuses for the person that did the act, taking on blame because I should have done things differently. Regardless when I said “no” it seemed to not matter at all. I need permission to call it what it was. Perhaps calling it what it was will allow me to truly feel instead of burying it under the illusions of something else.