herlucidlife

I’ve often kept the blame on me in an effort to not be a victim in my mind. I think not calling it what it was has allowed me to walk with shame and unforgiveness toward myself. It’s the age old question, “if a women dresses provocatively is she asking to be raped? molested? cat called?” The answer would be no! Yet somehow I’ve made myself believe I’m the exception to the rule. That I deserved what happened because of what I did. 

But what responsibility does that put on him? That I said no repeatedly and still felt his manhood slide pass my thighs anyway. At what cost does keeping blame on my side shield him and hurt me. I’ve gone through most encounters thinking I deserved it. Had I not been in that situation. Had I not invited that person in. Had I been more healed. Had I not been so desperate. Had I just stuck to the boundary, just maybe! 

Maybe it was too late and it happened. The name I call it makes a difference. The amount of responsibility I take makes a difference. The way I’m willing to keep myself bound because I’m not sure what to call it. Though my body reacted, I didn’t want to have sex with that person and it happened against my will. After saying no several times both before and during the act, the emotions felt afterward let me know I never wanted that. 

I’ve been looking for permission from someone else, when maybe I should give myself the permission. Pausing at the thought of saying it, heart dropping to the ground. Looking up the word, rape. The violence in the definition seems so harsh. In reality it matches what I’ve felt all along but never wanted to admit. It’s hard to heal from something when it’s gone unnamed. It’s time to name it. Talking with God. It’s so hard to write it down. Still trying to dumb it down, make it seem like it’s not that big of a deal, it happened so long ago. 

I’ve never forgotten how that night made me feel. I never forgot how it made me feel about myself. I was raped. Shoulders falling, tears streaming, my ears feeling red. I took a pause. Now it’s time to start healing.