herlucidlife

On Thursday night it seemed as though life stood still. Numb, zombied for the next four days. Feeling my mind grapple with the reality of being raped. Tuesday I found myself coming into acceptance. Thawing out. I relied on Jesus, my community, and journaling to relieve the tension. Even coloring helped me ease my mind and process gently. 

I was able to come out on the other side having learned that two truths do not cancel each other out. My behavior was wrong and so was his behavior. Two wrongs can live together and be true. I’ve held myself accountable, my behavior towards men has changed drastically over the years. What I never did was hold the other accountable for their actions by removing the responsibility off my plate. 

Still processing, no longer feeling numb. It happened and now it’s time to look from a higher view. I’m no longer standing on the floor of the forest but I’m hovering above so I can see the full picture. I could sit and say that harmful interaction birthed low self esteem and insecurity yet those things already existed before that person. If anything it was those things that allowed me to be with that person.

Compassion and empathy for the young girl I was. She was hurting, my world shattered with losing mom. I had no clue what living looked like, my life has been pieced together little by little, with God and the community He’s blessed me with by my side. I’m still piecing my life together, one day at a time. Moment by moment. I couldn’t help but think about how faithful Jesus’ love is. How near He is even when I could not feel Him. The numbness I felt cut off even the spiritual feeling in the body. 

Yet I cling to the facts regardless of the feelings. The facts guided me through. Jesus was holding my hand, reminding me that He is near. He’s helping me process sex. There’s so much more to unpack, behaviors to unlearn and learn. Coming to the reality may not be the hardest point yet it was necessary.