herlucidlife

God sees and knows all. He knows the conversations that are had when I leave the room. He knows the things that are whispered under their breath. Every motive and intention lies naked before the Lord. Nothing is hidden from Him. 

I find peace in knowing that regardless of the rationalization my mind is trying to create, I  know God knows the true reason. A friendship placed on pause. The only time I intentionally hit pause was when I came into recovery. I removed those that smoke and drank and still to this day those people are not in my life. In my recovery I’ve never pushed pause on a friendship. 

Truthfully it doesn’t feel like I’m pushing pause now, it feels I’m being instructed for protection. In the midst I’ve been looking deeply into myself. Asking myself questions, praying my intentions are pure. I’m so used to doing the foot work in this specific friendship, that it feels out of the norm to not do anything. Looking back I see I was going out of my way, when perhaps I was mistaking their response as effort. 

Even now I’m still trying to rationalize and make sense of what’s going on, truthfully I have no clue and I could be way off mark. Maybe the environment is unstable? Maybe I don’t need to be there? Maybe I was getting mixed into something dangerous and didn’t know it? Regardless, I’m trusting the voice that instructed me to be still. 

I know that voice was God because it was quiet, whispering underneath all the noise in my head. The voice said a couple words, no explanation no further steps no timing of when being still would end. Only “be still and quiet.” Though hard to do, there’s a peace I’ve felt. Almost like a regaining of my energy.