herlucidlife

A friendship on pause. What am I trying to say Lord? What am I feeling? I feel relieved at not making space for that person. I feel tension and guilt because I believe I should be making time for them and by not doing so reflects badly on my character. I feel safe and sound because something felt off in their presence. Something felt ugly. I feel uneasiness at the thought of speaking with this person ever again. I feel a reluctance to be open to any further contact. 

I’m overthinking it because I care, even though deep down I really don’t want to care. I care about what’s happening to the person, to the friendship. That gut feeling of “stay still and be quiet” has not let up. My mind is so black and white, perhaps it’s not the end of a friendship but a pause? Pauses can last a couple weeks, months or years. It’s been almost a month and I’ve heard nothing from that person. 

I remember when that person was going through a hard time and would not answer my text messages, I drove to their home, a pop-up to see if they were okay. To sit with them in their hurt and talk to them. In my time of need that was not returned. Nor was I checked on when they got back in town. Life is lifing and we all go through things, yet that person still posts to FaceBook. They still talk to their boyfriend everyday. 

Perhaps that hurts too, if I’m not reaching out then nothing is happening. I hadn’t realized how expected it was of me to extend myself until I was instructed not to. Some may think it’s wild, yet I believe in the voice of God.  I believe in the direction of the Holy Spirit. I keep checking in multiple times throughout the day and His instruction has not changed. 

I stay in my corner, nurturing the friends that give as I am giving. While also using this experience as a lesson to look at myself and change some things that could make me a better friend and person. Everything moves with intention. God’s hand moves pieces at the right time for the right reason. 

For whatever reason it was time and I accept it. I will continue to pray for that person, seek God in all of my affairs.