herlucidlife

The art of letting go has never been a strong suite for me. I’ve always held on or hoped I’d see that person again. There are days when he doesn’t cross my mind. Then there are days when I think I see a phantom ghost. A similarity or vague resemblance in someone else. I never hold onto the thought, it only reminds me of the ghost he truly was. 

Having been single for three years, I’m finally able to hear my own thoughts. Sit with myself, build the life I want. My nervous system is relaxing on all levels. I’m no longer looking to add someone to the mix. I’ve gone from one extreme to the next. At one point I could not imagine being single and now I can’t imagine being with someone. 

The thought of adding a romantic partner to my life scares me. Of course down the line I see it happening. I’m not so sure about when. An old college boyfriend came across my screen in the wee hours of the night, “my divorce is almost final.” Reading the message, getting into bed I was shocked. I couldn’t believe he was getting a divorce, something he said he would never do. Granted life is full of things we all said we would never do. 

Replying in the morning, keeping the focus on his life. I so badly wanted to ask, “why are you telling me this?” But deep down I already knew why. I always thought he was my person, the person who got away because I let him go. My heart sank when I saw his message, not because I was sad about his divorce but because I knew what it meant. God and I have already peeled back the layers of that onion. God’s answer to that person was and is “no.”

Not only was he not the person then but he’s not the person now. With his little boy in tow, I had for a split second considered the idea. Honestly my mind is still considering it. Not because I genuinely want that person but because no else is here. There was a time I longed for when he would be free, there was a time I longed for him to tell me, “I’m ready now.”

That time has passed. I find myself fantasizing about it as I drift off to sleep. Whether married or not I don’t belong to this person and they don’t belong to me. The moment has passed, nothing would be more detrimental then to pretend like it could be. I try to pretend that he only told me because of friendship, when the truth is we haven’t been friends in a long time. 

Sadly he’s still the guy I love talking to. He’s still the guy that I never want to leave even after hours of conversation. He’s still the guy that holds a special place in my heart though I know the time has passed.