herlucidlife

A longing feeling in my stomach. Two men have come back from my past to be in my life currently. Though it seems they have no expectations, I can’t ignore the fact they are showing some kind of consistency. My mind goes into fantasy land, knowing God has said “no” to each young man. No matter how sweet and kind, no matter how great the chemistry is, I can’t ignore the answer God has given me over and over again. 

Praying, seeking then praying some more the answer has not changed. The only thing that is changing is my willingness to do something with His answer. I keep trying to talk myself out of what I know needs to be done. We need to have a conversation, I need to be intentional about what I’m willing to give this person. Realistically it’s not much, if anything at all. The hard part is thinking of that person’s reaction, then knowing the fantasy will be over. 

I haven’t daydreamed about someone in a while but my spirit knows nothing will come of the reconnection. My spirit has already told me it’s temporary and the ending is near. I entertained the idea that maybe it could be something but the fundamentals of their lives have not changed. Talking on FaceTime, telling me about his hangover, I already knew it could be nothing deep for me. No good soil for the roots to dig deep and settle. 

I care about this person and I would love to have him in my life, a conversation needs to be had. I keep feeling like I keep making it harder than it needs to be. I keep thinking that I could just let it ride out but his actions say more. I know what my Spirit said, then I’ll read something or hear something in passing that makes me think otherwise. I don’t want this person to change for me, I only want to change for myself. At first I couldn’t believe this person had reached out that I was riding the high of being wanted. 

The feeling has not lasted long, reality always sets in. I need someone that does not smoke, drink and is committed to living a life of godliness with Jesus. Someone who understands the severity of my need for recovery. I do not want to have the conversation but then I was reminded that slow obedience is disobedience.

 I’m scared. God I’m so scared to simply be honest. I’m scared of the response, the reaction. I didn’t realize how much I really wanted to be wanted. I was so focused on being content with myself that I was choking out the yearning to be wanted. It’s not even a break up, I’m creating a catastrophe in my mind. God You’ve already directed me, I ask You give me the power to act.