herlucidlife

A young man from my past came back into my life. I actually wanted this person to come back through the years. Prayer has been a go-to as I’ve grown up over the years. Prayer is no longer an after thought but something that is done at the beginning. I asked God if this was my person, He said no. I asked God if this person could stay in my life even as a friend, He said no. 

Conversing for a week, enjoying the conversation, nothing about it felt like something I wanted to hold onto for the long term. My humanness is becoming weak. Weak from the waiting, weak from learning how to be content with myself. I entertain really no one at all. It was so easy to allow this person access again. On FaceTime for hours, the chemistry is still what it always was. 

But God said no, not this one. I can’t stay. Needing to let go. We had a conversation about lifestyles and I shared what I would like my person to have, he does not meet any of the things I want. Hoping the hint was received, I know I need to be more direct. Leaving the conversation still feeling disobedient. The words “slow obedience is disobedience” keeps circling in my head.

Scrolling on YouTube, crazy how when no man was in my area the videos were nothing my vlogs of young ladies I follow. Now the content has switched to more spiritual videos about “continuing to wait, the person is coming.” Every time I hear those words, I think of the only man that I truly believed was my person.

I get a little sad thinking this “godly” man that had everything I wanted could somehow just not be the person. That fundamentally this person checked off every box yet they walked away with no trace. There’s no way that could be my person, yet I feel this small faint voice saying “now hold on.” Am I crazy? There’s always that small piece that won’t let him go. 

This man that broke my heart like no man ever could, had everything I wanted. He fundamentally checked off every box but he left me. God took Him away. So I don’t know. I do know this current person is simply not what I’m looking for.