herlucidlife

You float in my head like a bad dream. You left a stench that I can still smell three years later. You took pieces of me that could not be replaced. God had to give me something new. God removed you, it’s not you. Every time I look at your Instagram I’m reminded that it’s not you. It can’t be you. Every day I go with no contact from you, I’m reminded that it was never you. 

So why does my mind go back to you? So often, so regularly. Cracked wide open, I needed the pain. It was used as a tool to make me into who I am today. I fought tooth and nail to receive the peace of mind I have today. The flesh gets weak, my humanness begins to show. It can be so easy to leave myself unprotected when things seem so harmless. 

It has to seem harmless for me to drink the poison. I have to let go. I have to let go of the real guy that is showing attention. I have to let go of the phantom ghost that is no longer here. I have to continue this journey with just God and I. Family and friends of course are granted access. Will he ever come back, Lord? I know He isn’t Father. I know. He was removed for my protection. 

It needed to happen exactly how it happened. I can’t continue to hold any ounce of faith that he was my person. It was simply no.