herlucidlife

I got through the night. Heavy emotions began to set in throughout the day. My mind is becoming heavier and heavier. He was on my mind. This person has often shown up in my life, over and over again. It didn’t matter how much time had passed, what life events we had experienced, this person always came back into my life. 

The thoughts were too heavy, feeling like I may crack and message him at two in the morning. Gathering myself, lighting an incense, laying down talking to my heavenly Father. Expressing the deepest emotions in my heart, comfort fell over my body. Able to fall asleep without doing something reckless.  

I could feel God listening to my heart. With all three in attendance, I could feel Jesus and the Holy Spirit hearing me. I was not seeking an answer at the time but simply to be in the presence of God with my heavy mind. He met me like He always does. Waking the next day, through the course of the day the thought of you became heavier again. 

It’s been scary thinking how much I feel pulled to lean into this. An old boy friend from college, now with a little boy standing at his side. I can’t help but think this can’t be my person. I began asking myself, what truly disqualifies him? Having my own baggage, personal preference is the only thing that keeps him out of the running. 

I keep telling myself you don’t know this person. I have only a small glimpse of what he’s been through. We haven’t really spoken in-depthly. I would say I “need” to find things out. Really I’m simply allowing myself to process my own emotions before running to him. Prematurely including someone in my emotional investigation can be dangerous and reckless for both involved. 

In my head, making no sudden moves. Praying, processing emotions through writing. Allowing God to direct my behavior, surrendering thoughts. Allowing myself the safety to be open minded to what could be. The most attractive thing is his belief in Jesus. I understand that being a believer does not mean life is lived perfectly. It simply means that through it all commitment to following Jesus is of the utmost importance. 

Feels like I’m talking myself into wanting something I never wanted, a man with a kid and a child’s mother. Divorce does not remove people, it simply rearranges the order and titles. Can I live life like that ? Am I allowing something that is not for me to settle into my spirit? Or am I finally working with alignment instead of against it? I’m not sure, so I do nothing at all.