herlucidlife

Sitting on my sofa a thought passed through my mind, “I think I want to be with him.” These words have not been spoken in a while. Secretly I always hoped there could be another chance, a serious chance for it to really be done right. We were so young before. I know I’m not the only one thinking this. 

Looking for understanding and wisdom on what I should do, if there is anything to do at all. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. For a moment I got distracted by someone that was not spiritually aligned with what I need. Being honest with that person, they politely removed themselves from my life. 

Once that person was removed, I refocused myself on him. I really want clarity but I’m not sure it’s worth receiving right now. So many things are swirling in my head. If I’m being honest I would love to blindly accept this person into my life. I have a hard time moving that way as it usually removes God’s voice from the equation. I value God’s voice too much today to move without it. 

I want to kiss him. I want to sit close and talk to him. I want to understand who he is today. I want to call him mine. I want to be there for him. I want to love his little boy like he is my own. I want to be supportive of him and his world. Could such a love tear me apart? Could such a desire leave me wishing I had done nothing at all?

Truthfully I don’t know. I envision his little boy and I reading the bible together. I see a small sliver of space and time when things are wonderful. My little spurts of fantasy do not take into account the grave details of the situation. My limited view can only see what I want to happen. It can’t see what I would have to sacrifice to receive it. Am I really willing to pay such a high price? 

I don’t know, so I do nothing at all. I still wear the ring he gave me so many years ago. An infinity ring, I wore it throughout my marriage never telling my husband who got me the ring. There were times when I didn’t wear the ring but I was very careful to always keep it. One thirty in the morning and I really want to text him, “why did you tell me about your divorce?” I stop myself every time. 

I should just go to bed, hopefully I won’t feel like this tomorrow.  I’ve dreamt of this moment, would I seize it even if it meant accepting other things? I don’t have an answer. My goodness I really hoped I did. Thankfully I don’t have to have the answer tonight.