herlucidlife

I’m excited about him and I don’t want him to know it. I keep playing it cool because I don’t want to spew my emotions all over the place. I’m scared to be excited about him. I’m scared because he doesn’t fit what I want. Can what I want be against what I need? Honestly I don’t always know what I want. I do know that I’ve thought this person back into my life. 

So many quiet thoughts, not all well thoughts but thoughts nonetheless. I’ve never stopped loving this person, regardless of what he did or who he was. I never stopped holding him in my heart. I’m having a hard time letting go of who I thought I wanted for the real person. It’s really easy for me to want a theory, but do I really want the person? 

We’ve both gone through marriages, a child for him and several other life changes and yet we’ve always come back around. Here we are feeling as though things are finally aligning, is it time? Is it odd to want the person but not the circumstances? I can’t separate the two, these are permanent things that won’t ever be erased. 

Even with all the things he brings, I can’t help but be excited about this possible adventure. Exploration. The phase we are in, no label at the moment. I’ve always felt a fear of commitment, a fear of saying “yes.” No matter who the man was I would feel this feeling of suffocation, even now thinking of being with someone I can sense that feeling around my throat. 

I thought about him all day today. Having a sweet text exchange more often. I look forward to hearing from him, I look forward to reaching out to him. Empathetic and sweet, our exchanges are gentle, not lengthy but full of quality. Even as I’m writing I’m scared to be honest with myself. 

I feel this all too familiar feeling of insanity creeping in. The overthinking, the obsessive thoughts, the future tripping, the heavy emotions that I so badly want to share. 

I tell myself “no” instead. I tell myself, this is time to practice moving slowly. I’ve never moved slowly, especially not in the past. This new version of me wants to move slowly. There’s still some fear I’m working through. There’s still some insanity I’m working through. I’m healthier then what I was then yet I understand there’s still some sickness inside. 

Truthfully, I’m also scared this isn’t the person, perhaps it’s all a cunning distraction. I keep praying, seeking and asking. I know that God walks with me.