herlucidlife

Going through work feeling as though my mind was not all there. Constantly looking at my phone though I had put it on “do not disturb.” I couldn’t help but want an immediate response to my happy birthday voice message I sent you. Funny because the day has nothing to do with me, none of the days have anything to do with me. Thankfully none of my days have anything to do with you either. Unless I allow my thoughts to suck into the fantasy abyss. Looking for clues inside a hole of my own making. Creating scenarios that have no basis whatsoever. 

We enjoy each other. Am I healed enough to handle this? Sometimes it feels like “no,” while other times it feels like I’m doing a damn good job of keeping my emotions with myself. I have so many emotions pinned up inside that I actually feel them stuck in my throat. Acting like a small barrier between me and the air ways. I almost feel like throwing up. When actually I think I just need a good cry. A cry. Have you ever yearned for something but the patience it took to receive it was excruciating?

The wait almost made it feel not worthy of being still. My head was pounding when I left work, still in my mind. Blankly staring into space, The Proud Family  playing in the background. I felt great comfort when I talk to God about you, I know I’m heard, felt and seen. Not looking for Him to do anything but hold me close, His presence is more than enough. Then I drift back into the fold of your memory. Just several months ago fantasies felt like warm weighted blankets on a chilly winter morning. Now they feel like a straight jacket when I desperately want to break free. 

Doing my best to stay in reality. Reading the booklet for youth camp this week. Preparing for a week of ministry, it helped bring me back to life, kind of like touching grass. Just to float right back up into the abyss of my mind. I’ll come back down slowly over time.