herlucidlife

I’m ready to date. It’s been a huge learning curve because I’m also learning how to be direct in the process. Having made an online dating profile, I ran into a guy I used to work with. Having texted for a short time back then, he had a girlfriend so naturally it faded. 

Fast forward, reaching out on the dating app, he asked if we could text. Texting a bit, I found myself beginning to obsess over not being texted back. Going for a walk after work, praying and thinking. Usually I feel less in my head but the obsession remained through dinner. Going to a meeting, I shared my thoughts. Still in my head, I called my sponsor. Talking through the thoughts in my mind, I could see I was falling into the trap I always landed in. 

Fear of rejection has often enabled me to keep quiet. I struggle with asking for what I want and then make myself believe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Tired of living in fear, having gained courage from my sponsor I sent a text message that was very direct. 

Had a mini melt down afterward and questioned what the heck I had done. The anxiousness subsided and realized that if I get no response then that is my answer. If it’s anything but “yes” then it’s “no.” If too much time goes by then it’s a “no.” I’m fully ready for a “no” and honestly that saddens me. 

It saddens me that I’m expecting a “no” rather than having an open mind. I keep checking my phone and nothing. My guy friend would say I should have called. UGH!! And this is why I don’t date.