herlucidlife

The bible states that sin begins in the heart. I thought of you during intimate time with myself. Sexual thoughts floating through my mind, sensation pulsing through my body. You were there in spirit. I woke up this morning feeling as though I’d had sex with you. I could feel the distance between myself and God. 

I could feel something shift, the shift was inside of me. I felt convicted and repentant. I felt like I was sliding back into someone I no longer want to be. I also realized how easy it was to slip into such a dark place in my mind. Darkness doesn’t only have to be depression or anxiety, it can also be lustful thoughts. 

I’ve been feeding into the thoughts because I’m trusting I won’t act on the thoughts with a person. Truthfully I feel that way because the person I really want does not live in my city. Being distant gives some safe space to spiral without the consequence of actually doing it with him. 

He doesn’t know fully how I feel. I share with him in small doses. He doesn’t know that I lay in bed thinking of him with my vibrator pushed closely to my body. He doesn’t know how he sticks in my mind. Maybe he should know but that feels like playing with fire. Goodness knows I’ve already tried lighting the match. 

Help today, I need to stay focused.