herlucidlife

Since last Friday I’ve been doing my best to not masturbate. I’ve been doing my best to leave it alone. I began masturbating almost every night and sometimes in the morning., Some may not see an issue with it, yet the issue is that it falls in line with sexual sin. The action is not pleasing to God. I know God weighs all sin as the same coin. So I can not justify that I could be doing worse because the worst is going against God.

Lately, I’ve been so in my head about not masturbating, about wanting that special someone that I’ve been yearning for something close. Love, romance, connection, emotional intimacy. It doesn’t have to start off that way though I would like for it to go in that direction. Yet I keep trying to numb how I’m feeling because I just don’t have that thing. 

I have so much in my life. My life is so full in so many beautiful ways. I have great friends, my chosen family. I have a wonderful job. I have The God, my Father that loves me more than I could ever imagine and He yearns to be near me even when I don’t want to be near me. I have a wonderful cozy home, a home that I am safe in. The peace I feel when I walk into my home, with my precious little cat. My life is beautiful. 

I look at how much I’ve grown and how I’m able to do life with wonderful people. The fullness of my life pails in comparison to what I may be missing. Yet in still, I tend to focus on it a little too much. I tend to forget that God has never forgotten about me, that He hears my deep moans. My tears are a language that only He understands. I do my best to not fall under pressure, to not settle but to keep going, staying the course. 

Whatever is around the corner is worth the wait.