I dreamt of you last night. Z visited me on Tuesday night leading into Wednesday morning. I couldn’t believe he made an appearance considering I haven’t dreamt of him in several months. Any other time he pops in my dream he is a side character that goes unnoticed and then to be forgotten.
God removed this man many moons ago, I know it to be true deep in my soul. I can’t even describe the dream to be able to dissect it yet I do remember a kiss. Perhaps that’s the only part I wanted to remember, regretfully so. Everytime I watch a certain YouTube video online you pop into my mind.
Deep down there is a part of me that still wants it to be you, though I know it can’t be so. Usually when God removes someone He does not bring them back. There can be certain circumstances though I doubt that circumstance is mine. I lost myself with that person, they became my idol. I was chasing God so I could look better to this man.
I was chasing God so a human would want me more. God is not to be mocked, He is not a means to an end. He is the Great I Am that is more than worthy of His honor. Yet instead of keeping God first “in” the relationship, I keep God first “to gain” the relationship. Once it was gained I became too relaxed on my boundaries.
God removed that person. Logically I can sit and say “I don’t want that man” mainly because I have no clue who he is today. I have no clue about his life, yet I still hope “one day.” It doesn’t feel pathetic like it used to, nor does it feel like optimism. It feels like a soul tie I need to sever. Sometimes I think I really need some help.
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