herlucidlife

Been reading Matthew chapter seven verse thirteen, specifically speaking of entering the gates of heaven. The first verse beginning on thirteen gets me immediately. “Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who go through it.” 

I have to stop there. I’ve struggled deeply with sexual sin all my life. I remember practicing masturbation at the age of four, rubbing my genitals on the side of the sofa when my mother was not looking. Or in the deep of the night touching myself because I had already learned I liked the feeling it created. I loved how my body reacted to the sensation. I was hooked. Going through life my struggle with sexual sin became deeper as I began watching porn and having sex with men. 

The spiritual void became deeper and deeper. Even as a child I behaved as though it was wrong by hiding it from my mother, keeping it my little secret. As I got older it became too heavy to hide. Sharing my struggle I learned others struggle with the same sexual sin I do. Now in the present day I hang onto masturbation, where it all began. In the deep of the night with my vibrator tucked closely to my body under the covers. There’s shame there. 

I’m not saying I only struggle with sexual sin, I struggle with many other thoughts and emotions that are not godly. Yet sexual sin seems to be the thing that causes the most strain. So when scripture states that the road to destruction is wide and broad, I often ask myself have I gotten off the road of destruction? It’s so easy to destroy myself, to take on the thoughts of the world because they sound enticing. 

I say I do my best yet there are a lot of times when I do not do my best. There are several times when I simply allow the urge to take over because there’s still a part of me that does not want to let go. That’s the broad and wide road within. Scripture states to enter through the narrow gate that means I have to let go. Practically speaking when a path is narrow it can only fit so much, something has to be surrendered in order for the path to be taken. I have to let go of some things in order to enter through the narrow gate. 

I have to let go of people, behaviors, thoughts, and places. I have to let go of myself. In order to save my life through Jesus I first must lay it down. Even as I write these words I’m thinking about how I’m going to charge my vibrator for tonight. It’s been a week since I used it. I almost watched porn last night. I briefly looked at some photos and then put my phone down, it was not appetizing. In the thick of healing and shedding. 

No sin can separate me from the love of Jesus because his blood covers me. Though I still urge myself to choose Him, some days are better than others. The narrow road may not be for everyone though it does welcome those who choose it.